O NE chore that is lined up for each Sunday, my off day, is stocking up the weekly grocery, vegetables and fruits. Soa trip to the grocery store or a supermarket in the vicinity is mandatory. I love walking through the aisles, browsing through the various shelves. Every week new products are added, and this gives me an opportunity to pass time, which I have in surplus. Reading the labels, scanning their QR codes is pure fun. It was during one such trip to the supermarket when I was scanning around in one of the aisles - the sanitary section - that it suddenly dawned on me that all these products had one thing in common. All the products -soaps, handwashes, sanitisers, disinfectants, mosquito repellents, toothpastes-all screamed ‘kills germs’ with a figure prominently placed after it. The figure, by the way, is always 99.99%. I wondered why none of them claimed to kill 100%? Never. Not once. Sometimes, if they’re feeling adventurous, 99.999%.

 

But that elusive 0.01%? Untouched. Untamed. Unbothered. Which ledme to wonder-“Who is this privileged germ that goes scot free”? SomuchR&Dgoesinto thecreation of anyproduct - scientists pouring over petri dishes and vials, testing,retesting - and yet this privileged germ has the endurance to survive this scientificonslaught.Even the combined strength of all the additives that make these products‘fresh andzingy’like citruslime andlemon,neem, aloe vera, Himalayan salt, charcoal,oxygenbubblesand whateverelsewesmearonour bodies to cleanse it, is not potentenough tokill the‘honoured’ germ. Time for my mind to go in an overdrive. Is it the eldest child in the germ family? Is it wearing a helmet and a mask? Does it have political connections? These questions keep my grey cells ticking. I am only following what the medicos advice - work those grey cells for mental health. The feeling is as good as solving the NYT crossword. You see, the other day I bought a new ‘super advanced, next-generation, deep-penetration, quad action, germ-fighting’ handwash. Who writes copies for these companies? And right thereon the bottle in bold letters: KILLS 99.99% GERMS.

 

That single decimal point pulled me into an existential crisis. For want of anything better to do,I discussed this with my better half.Without looking up from the newspaper that he was reading, his first reactionwas,“Does this even concern you?”And then ashe glanced up and saw my face turning a different colour, he took a dig, “Maybe that last germ is like you. Stubborn.” I tunredabeetrootred.Excuseme?I amnot stubborn. I am determined. There’s a difference, which all husbands must be trained to recognise. Anyway, back to the germ. It is this 0.01% that worries me. Because if it has survived everything till now, it is clearly the ‘Terminator of the germ world’-tough, immortal and probably capable of multiplying at will. As my imagination runs riot, I imagine a board meeting of germs somewhere inside my body: Germ Leader: “Friends, Romans, Country men today we gather to honour our bravest memberthe 0.01%. The one who survived that lady’s new handwash with lemony freshness.” Germ crowd cheers, waving tiny microscopic flags, signalling the triumph. Like a true patriot the lone 0.01% Germ addresses the crowd, “I dedicate this survival to all germs who perished in the sink. Long live the rebellion!” And I’m standing there, wondering, if they can inventself-driving cars,AI that writes essays (ahem), and fridges that talk to you (very annoying), why can’t scientists just kill the remaining 0.01%? The answer, a scientist friend once told me, is complicated.Something about mutation,resistance, microbial diversity, blah blah.

 

I stopped listening after the first five words because that is not the explanation I wanted. What I wanted to hear was: “Yes, the 0.01% needs to survive so it can come back stronger and haunt you”. At least that would justify the number of disinfectant bottles I buy every month. After the pandemic, washing hands at every given pretext has become a habit - shake hands with someone, surreptitiously take out the disinfectant and ensure that the entire palmis well and trulysanitised,someone sneezes in the room, rush to the disinfectant bottle and wash hands....The pandemic is over, the paranoia remains. And now that we are all obsessed with hygiene, thanks to various global events that changed mankind (and handwashing techniques) forever, the germ is probably having the time of its life. Imagine it tap-dancing on our palms after we rinse with antiseptic soap, singing - “Yes, yes,well done.But here I remain.Unwashed. Unbothered. Unstoppable.” But the real panic struck me when a thought poppedintomymind,“Does the 0.01% stay behind so it can multiply?” This is exactly how we Indians think about relatives-never let one in, because they will bring the whole clan. Myimagination, asusual,was far fetched. Icould visualise the 0.01% germ getting married, having children, sending them to the best schools, becoming a proud parent standing outside coaching classes, and building generational wealth inside my immune system. Glaring intensely at my hands, supposedly the store house of germs,didn’t seem to have any affect.

 

The germs couldn’t feel my anger. And then it struck me. Maybe-just maybe-the 0.01% survives because perfection doesn’t exist. Even toothpaste knows this. Mosquito repellents know this. Floorcleaners, hand sanitisers, toilet sprays, face washes, intimate washes, dishwashing liquidseveryone knows this. Look closely: you will never see a bottle claiming “100% protection”. Perhaps they’re afraid. Because the day someone claims 100%, the germ community will treat it as a personal challenge. At this point in my philosophical cleaning journey, I was joined by my daughter, who said, “Aai, maybe they advertise killing 99.999 % because if they kill all the germs, the company just might go out of business”. This is why sane daughters should not be allowed to analyse anything other than mathematics. But then I thought about it. That 0.01% might be the hero we secretly need. If everything was completely sterile, our immunity would get bored and retire early-like an employee who has nothing to do but attend unnecessary meetings.

 

That micro scopic survivor keeps our system alert, like the neighbourhood aunty who watches everything from her balcony. Annoying but necessary for maintaining order. (Psst - and to feed gossip to every ear that is ready to listen) So yes, perhaps the 0.01% must live. Not to procreate (though I have my doubts), but to remind us that life-like housework, husbands and WIFI connections-cannever be fully under our control. Mean while,I continue using allmy 99.99% products with great enthusiasm.I scrub, wash, sanitise, disinfect, splash, spray… everything except my husband, who claims he is naturally antibacterial. I think he is everything anti - including anti-people. Someday, maybe science will defeat the remaining decimal. Until then, we coexist. Me and the 0.01%. Both stubborn. Both survivors.