Unwilling adjustments lead to resentments
| Date :06-Oct-2019 |
Q. My wife is having an affair and I know it from some time. I waited patiently and also spoke to her indirectly. She does not care for my feelings and she takes me for granted. I now get very angry and irritated over small things. The problem is I love her very much. I don’t want to separate from her but make her realise my love for her.We had a good life together for many years and I encouraged her to be independent and make friends. She goes to work in an office part time and met this guy there. I’m troubled & depressed. Please help me.
Ans. You may have a point in feeling that ‘she takes you for granted’. You may be a soft and sentimental person and she knows your weakness. She is hence exploiting you to her advantage. Since you have tolerated this ‘clandestine affair’ for a long time and given hints to her on several occasions, it is perhaps time to make a confrontation. As a submissive person it makes you anxious to do that for fear of precipitating matters (she might say she will leave you) and since you don’t want that you tolerate and suffer. It is time for you perhaps to make a choice in your own mind and take a decision to face her. The options are few in a marriage situationyou give her some time to make a choice between you and the other man. Give her the consequences of her choice- if she chooses him you would file for a separation. Once she knows you are serious in your intent, it will force her to think deeply and stop taking you for granted. It might work in your favour. C S
Q. My husband and me don’t see eye to eye in anything. We love each other and have two sons who are doing well. But our habits clash all the time. I like sober colours and he likes bright colours! I like simple food and he is a foodie! It’s an everyday problem and I have been adjusting to his needs, but now its become hard. What should I do?
Ans. This is so common a situation! I am sure you have found a way to deal with this in a peaceful way. You are feeling you give in to his needs and neglect yours which is now beginning to bother you? Well there is a difference between ‘adjusting’ and ‘accepting’. When you accept the way your husband is and when you evaluate the way your nature is, you should have learned to make a balance between independence and inter-dependence. Unwilling compromises and adjustments lead to resentments and hostilities in the mind which surface and bother you now. Rather than doing this it is better to communicate your needs and negotiate them. It may be possible that your husband does not know your needs and may not hence appreciate your feelings of resentment. It is not easy but possible and the best option for peace and harmony for all. Meet me if you still feel troubled. C P
Q. I can’t handle my child anymore and his behaviour is getting worse. He watches mobile, does not study and doesn’t listen to us. He locks himself in his room and when we question him he gets angry and rude. He only listens to his grandma and she is also worried about him. He has boards next year. Should we bring him for counselling?
Ans. When the child begins to control you it is a very difficult situation. You need to solve this equation as soon as possible. Yes, you should bring him for counselling because if both parents fail to communicate effectively to the child you need mediation. As parents you are responsible for his life till a certain age and then set him free to do what he likes. I hope you both parents and the grandma are in agreement on child rearing practices? When there is a conflict between elders themselves on handling the child, the child can take advantage and choose the easiest route for himself to make himself comfortable. There may be factors at home that need correction from you adults. As you focus on that, things will change with him too. But do come for a few sessions of counselling.
By RITA AGGARWAL
(Consulting Psychologist) Unwilling adjustments lead to resentments The columnist can be reached on 9823073986, and 0712- 2220250. She can also be reached at [email protected] and can be visited at www.manodaya.org