■ By RITA AGGARWAL :
Q. I am losing my sleep and feeling irritated all the time. I feel like running away from home. I love my mother, but don’t like my father although I love him. He keeps shouting many times for small reasons and gets violent with my mother. She tries to keep calm, but she has started crying a lot. I feel helpless and want to take my mother away. My father has no bad habit of drinking or smoking, but bullies my mother a lot. He is getting worse. I am the only child and my childhood was a happy one. Past few years, he has suffered losses in his business and is becoming difficult to live with. For small mistakes, he picks fault and fights with my mother. Please tell me what to do as this is affecting my studies badly.
Ans. This is an unfortunate situation for you and your mother. I guess you are the only child of your parents and hence feel responsible for your mother. It is good to know that you had a happy childhood which also means that your father was a good and well-behaved man earlier. You also mention that he suffered losses in business and that could be the sparking point for his bad behaviour with mother. It must have started on a small scale with irritation and anger which has escalated to fault finding on small and trivial issues and violence too. This could be signs of depression and something more than too. We need to discuss more details of his behaviour with you and your mother to understand the finer nuances of his illness. At most times mental illness or mental disturbances creep in silently without anyone noticing the changes and people typically start blaming the personality of the person. But when a generally well-behaved person begins to show changes in behaviour which are negative and mal-adaptive, we need to suspect a disorder. He can be treated with medicines and counselling too if he agrees to come. Before you think of drastic measures of leaving home and running away or taking your mother away leaving alone your father, lets think of a solution where you don’t break relationships and lose your father. Treating your father is a better option than breaking family. T.D,
Q. I a m a student of Class XI, I scored 96.6% in my Board exam. I thought I am pretty much good in studies, but as I reached my Class XI, I found losing faith in myself because I got less marks in tests. I am still trying hard to get myself back, but it seems I can't. What should I do? Please help me.
Ans. First we need to understand the reasons for your lowering of marks in tests and your loss of faith in self and your loss in dedication in studies. The three could be inter-related too. One reason could be the choice of subjects made by youit might not be of your interest too much and therefore you are losing interest and dedication to it. Find out by being truthful to yourself through introspection if you have chosen the right subjects of study. The second common reason is distraction- to something else which is robbing you of your focus on studies. Distractions could be in the form of friendships, hedonism (meaning wanting to have a good time), wanting a break from serious studies for you scored very high in 10th Boards, (it happens that students relax in Class 11 due to lack of pressure, (there are no Board exams in 11th ) and other distractions. Thirdly, you might be stressed due to some reason and may want a break and relief. I hope you are not depressed due to some reason (depression is a lowering of mood and energy levels). Do introspect and analyse reasons or else come for a session of counselling and we will help you solve the problem.
By RITA AGGARWAL (Consulting Psychologist) The columnist can be reached on 9823073986, and 0712- 2220250. She can also be reached at [email protected] and can be visited at www.manodaya.org