By RITA AGGARWAL:
Q. I am married and have a son aged 2.5 years. My wife doesn’t show much interest in intimate activity and I feel starved. The frequency of intimacy is around 1-2 times a week that is only also at my behest. She never initiates on her own. Even during the activity, she doesn't play any active role. I have frequently asked her the reason for her indifference and she says she doesn’t find it interesting. Please guide us in this matter.
Ans. This is a not so uncommon complaint. Many couples report sexual incompatibility in terms of levels and frequency of the desire and need. Some have higher needs and some have lower needs. This is not abnormal but the fact that your wife does not ‘find it interesting’ and is indifferent during the activity is surely a matter of concern. The basis of a good marriage is also the fact that both partners are happy and satisfied with their sex life. ‘Being starved’ or feeling starved as you say leads to frustration and disappointment in marriage. This calls for sessions of counselling and sex therapy if at all needed after the initial counselling. The reasons for such low interest or no interest are many- there are physical causes and mental/emotional causes too. Sometimes the problem could also be the interpersonal relationship between the two of you which plays on her mind and she withdraws. We need to identify the causes and for that she needs to cooperate. Even if one partner is unhappy due to any reasons it is the duty of the other to cooperate and participate in counselling. One partner cannot withdraw and say- ‘not my problem, it is your problem’. The problems are always joint and the duty of both to see that the other is also happy in the situation. This much for the moment. P S
Q. I am a student I have just cleared my HSC Board Exam and my stream was Computer Science. Unfortunately, I haven’t fared well and got poor marks, though I never thought I would score so badly. Now I am confused about my career options. I wanted to pursue aeronautical engineering, but now I am not so sure, also I’m confused what I should do if I fail to get into aeronautical engineering. Since my subject in HSC is PCM, I will have to pursue engineering. Please suggest what should I do now ma’am, I genuinely need your advice.
Ans. The best way is to get your abilities assessed through an aptitude test. It will measure your abilities in science and technology, analytical reasoning., mechanical reasoning and so on to help you gain confidence that if you take engineering specially aeronautical, you will succeed in it. Since you have PCM and can get admission into engineering but have scored less than expected it could mean that ‘you have the ability but have not performed well in exams’. If this is case the best way is the aptitude that measures the abilities. This will help you be confident of your choice and this will also help your parents get back their belief and trust in you in terms of talent. A single exam does not define your talents for it is just a performance in a set condition. We have online facilities for testing and all it takes is two hours. Of-course if not engineering there are umpteen choices for career for you but it depends on your likes and dislikes and skill sets which is also measured in the test along with your personality factors. All the best to you.
RITA AGGARWAL (Consulting Psychologist) Responsibility of both The columnist can be reached on 9823073986, and 0712- 2220250. She can also be reached at [email protected] and can be visited at www.manodaya.org