By RITA AGGARWAL:
Q. I am a middle-aged woman and I feel very lonely and depressed. My marriage is on the rocks for multiple reasons and I cannot get along with him. He has bad habits and several other things make me feel that nothing is going well. I was working, but now I stay at home due to family matters. I need to meet you and seek counselling, but I am afraid of it. I don’t want medicines either as I am already on medicines for other problems.What should I do? I find no relief anywhere. Please help.
Ans. You would certainly need counselling to sort your mind and put your life in order. It cannot go on like this for long for you may land up in deeper trouble.You have some health issues which you have not specified and you are out of work for family matters and your marriage is also on the rocks. This means you find yourself locked from all sides with nothing going well. Well the first priority should be your mental health for if your mind becomes peaceful to some extent you will be able to manage all types of problems and take decisions that are good for you. It is detrimental to stay perturbed for too long and do nothing to resolve the issues. It cannot be ignored for too long for you need to act and make the best choices open to you under the circumstances. If there are no choices left according to your assessment then make peace with the adverse conditions and do your duty. Of course we are there to help always. T G
Q. My father found out that my mother was having an affair on phone with a man for some months and now he has stopped talking to her. He wants to send her off to her mother’s home and we, the children, are opposing it. He then gets angry and tells us to leave his house as well. He calls my mother and us names as well. He seems to have gone crazy, though he has not beaten anyone but shouts and screams constantly. He comes home drunk and creates nuisance and also troubles my mother. We are fed up as the situation has become unbearable. When will this all end? Does he need counselling?
Ans. Well, people when hurt take time to accept the facts and reconcile to them. It is not easy for your father to recover from the trauma fast enough. But the way he is going about the matters is unhealthy and destructive. As a hurt husband he must talk to his wife (mother) about the episode and communicate and listen to her speak. Marriages cannot be broken like this. Marriages suffer due to infidelity matters and many more matters. Relationships are dynamic in nature and need constant handling and managing. They do not run on auto mode the whole life. Many times when women are taken for granted with no or less attention by the husband they can get into a friendship that is online and hence safe to some extent. Chatting is a communication that fulfils some need. Of course this is not to say that she is right in doing so and we can justify it but to understand the issues in the marriage that needs too be addressed. Couples drift apart in due course of time if a spouse takes the other for granted and neglects her. There are multiple reasons for couples drifting apart and they need to keep the fire alive from time to time. Your father needs to handle it in a more mature manner and try to resolve issues rather than just reacting strongly and throwing tantrums. Bring them for counselling and we will help resolve the present issue and understand the reasons for the diversion.
RITA AGGARWAL (Consulting Psychologist) Relationships need to be managed The columnist can be reached on 9823073986, and 0712- 2220250. She can also be reached at [email protected] and can be visited at www.manodaya.org