By RITA AGGARWAL :
Q. I am a guy, age 20. I have this feeling which doesn’t go away, unless I make myself busy. This feeling asks for affection, a human touch (hugs, holding hands, etc.), talking to someone without feeling insecure, etc. This feeling, this state, just doesn't goes away, why? Does day dreaming/wishful thinking about some imaginative and nonexisting situations makes me feel better? Probably, yes. Also, being asocial kind, I don't have many friends as there are very few people I find interesting. Many a times I wish to lose all the feelings/emotions as it is becoming annoying and maybe because they cannot be satisfied. So, is there a way I can get rid of most of the feelings or this particular feeling?
Ans. This is a very interesting observation and very true of shy and introverted people. Human needs are common to all and are considered normal. The variations lie in their intensity, such as, some need more friends and may be extroverted and some may do with a few of them. But all need some circle of friends in varying degrees of closeness and intimacy. Your need for intimacy is normal and your excessive time spent in imagining it speaks of a deprivation in your life and also your inability to fulfil your need in reality. Instead of thinking of doing away with all feelings and emotions, a better idea would be to connect with people around you, however ordinary or uninteresting they may be. Try to understand their world view and take pleasure in their silly pass times. Be with them and enjoy simple things like jokes, gossip, tea, samosa, coffee and movies. Enjoy life in simple things and you will begin to like them and their simplicity. Most people live on practical levels and yet have great sensitivities and wisdom- try taking advice from one of them and you will be surprised! Never underestimate the intelligence of people. It is your inhibitions that hold you back. This is the beginning and soon you will also find people of your type and thinking among the crowd. You need to move out in the world. F L
Q. We are three sisters and I am the eldest. We are all qualified well, but my two younger sisters are doing better in their career and life. They are both married and settled. I am still waiting for my marriage and settlement. I am also not doing well in my career. I have changed many jobs and still I am not happy with the present one. I feel like a failure and also feel depressed. It is a problem with my nature. I am shy and insecure and don’t talk to others properly. I can fight easily with my office people and put them off. How should I change my nature and my behaviour? I am troubled. Please help me.
Ans. It is good that you have an insight into your problems and your nature. That you are able to understand and realise that you have a problem with your temperament is great start to solving your problem and gaining happiness. Build up your social skills and start being nice and good to people. Do not be too strict and harsh- be kind and tolerant of others. Many times, it is your own sense of frustration and low self esteem that makes you fight with people. Because it affects negatively your sense of perception of the world and others. Career wise too, we need to understand why you have not progressed as much as your sisters. You need to investigate into it in detail so that you can overcome the blocks and get going with it. We can help to train you in improving your social skills and behaviour. We can help you become more positive and confident of yourself. If you cannot help yourself come for a few sessions of behavioural training
RITA AGGARWAL :
(Consulting Psychologist) ‘Connect to the real world’ The columnist can be reached on 9823073986, and 0712- 2220250. She can also be reached at [email protected] and can be visited at www.manodaya.org