■ By RITA AGGARWAL (Consulting Psychologist)
Q. My friend left me and is always showing anger when I call her. She says not to disturb her as she is studying hard and wants to become a big person. She is very ambitious and was planning to go abroad for higher education. Even in the lockdown condition, she continues to say India is not so good as foreign universities and she must go out. I don’t want to leave India and I have to look after my parents as I am a single child of my parents. They love me and I care for my mother a lot. My father does not treat my mom well and I cannot leave her alone. But I love this girl and want to marry her. Please tell me if I have a chance.
Ans. This seems to be an impossible match as your priorities and thought process don’t match at all. She rightly took the decision to say quits to the relationship, but she could have waited for you to be prepared as well for the split. She has moved out of the commitment and you seem to be still devoted to her is the crux of the matter. You are devoted to your mother and family and she is dedicated to her career on a priority basis. This is fine for each one can choose, define and decide their goals in life. She has every right to be ambitious and to go places if she is talented and has the guts to fly out. You have every right to be devoted to family and parents as you are a single child. In fact, it is creditable if you are doing so much for them. The issue is that the two goals clash with each other and hence the friction between you two. To be honest, this relationship won’t work unless you think alike and have common goals and dreams to pursue in future. So, to conclude you love a good, intelligent girl but she is not compatible for your life and lifestyle. Hence you must change your thinking a bit. Find another good girl suited to you and your family culture. I am sure you will find one soon enough to marry. R.T.S
Q. I suffered a major depression some years ago and was cured by medicines and help by my elder brother. My parents thought I was faking but my brother saved my life by forcing me for treatment. My life ran well for some years and I took my education from good colleges and did very well. I also started working part-time in a company. There I met this beautiful girl and we clicked. Now she has become the problem. She nags me and rags me against my nature and pushes me to do things I don’t like. I told her I have a history of depression and she brushes it aside and does not believe it. She is very bold, intelligent, good and competent at her job. I love her but now I am questioning myself if I am doing the right thing. My depression seems to be coming back. I don’t want to slip back into it. I cannot tell my brother about this for he does not know about her and I feel not right in troubling him about it. He lives abroad and has a lot of work at hand. What should I do? Can I consult you online for I live out of Maharashtra?
Ans. There are two things I might advise you on. One is, if your friend does not understand your nature and treats you in a way which leads to stress and anxiety, it might be better to opt out of the friendship and say bye. If she does not believe you when you say you suffered depression, what’s the use of a friend as insensitive as her? You can continue to talk to each other but the ‘specialness’ of the friendship can change. Make a difference in the quality of the friendship and distance yourself from her. The second point is more important to understand is ‘maintenance of good mental health’. You must know that stress can precipitate anxiety and depression and hence you must know your specific stressors at work and in social life. After identifying them you must have ways and methods to handle and manage them. You must avoid those stressors and keep your sanity. This is a must for you. Yes, I am offering online consultations and my in-person clinic is actually shut from March 2020.
Note: Readers are requested to write short queries in approx 150 to 200 words. Furthermore, do not use abbreviations in career queries to avoid confusion. The columnist can be reached at [email protected]