■ By RITA AGGARWAL (Consulting Psychologist) :
Q. I am confused about my situation. I was very good friends with a guy in college. But when he cheated on me, I broke all contact. But the girl he was dating then, was cheating on him. And I told him the same. We became very close again after that. Months passed: he told me that they broke up. I asked him to show me the chat on his phone. But he refused. I got hurt but I trusted him again thinking that he needs some space and privacy.This time my feelings for him were not that strong because I was not able to trust him completely like before.We are still good friends, but yesterday I saw his ex- girlfriends post on FB and he had reacted ‘heart’ to it. I got disturbed. Is he still cheating on our friendship? Did I do wrong by going back to him and trusting him again? Please guide me. Should I keep this friendship?
Ans. This is a difficult choice to make! And the answer lies within your heart which talks to you intuitively. Be in touch with yourself and you will get the answer. Actually, your message itself has the answer within it. You mention that ‘this time your feelings were not that strong because I was not able to trust him completely like before.’ This itself conveys a lot of meaning. Retaining a friendship is fine but being committed is a different story. Being just friends requires not much from the other except sharing a good feeling for each other but beyond that requires a whole lot of aspects to be considered. It all depends on how much you can invest into a relation. If you desire to put your entire future in his hands, then think hundred times before you do it. Otherwise just be friends and enjoy the moments and nothing more. Don’t allow your emotions and your imagination to hijack your mind. Be safe and happy. ABC, Raipur
Q. My wife has feelings for someone else and this was told to me recently. Now she sometimes says she wants to stay with me and sometimes keeps quiet and starts crying. All this is spoiling my mind and peace. I told her we will go to a counsellor and she says no. I cannot tell this to my family and or my friends. They will laugh at me. I will kill myself one day. I am very depressed and have lost all faith and trust in God and marriage. Please tell me how to solve this problem. I am willing to come and see you.
Ans. This is a tough situation to be in. The uncertainty of your wife’s mind is disturbing. If she is non-committal about the state of affairs, you will need to give her a deadline to decide one way or another. For example, give her a month to decide and then you can precipitate a crisis by saying that you will now decide. Force her into taking a decision. Seeking counselling is the best option where we could help assess the situation and the marriage. Sometimes the problem is with the personality of the partners involved. Your wife seems to be an emotionally immature person who is struggling with her own desires and needs. She is not clear about her objectives in marriage and life. Or else you have not understood what she wants and desires and is failing to help her achieve it jointly. Such matters are extremely intricate with many finer nuances, difficult to explain in this space. Please resolve this before you get sicker in your mind. Meanwhile hold on and bear with the situation. You can seek counselling for yourself alone. You can come to see me or else a video call/online consultation is a good option.
Note: Readers are requested to write short queries in approx 150 to 200 words. Furthermore, do not use abbreviations in career queries to avoid confusion. The columnist can be reached at [email protected]