■ By RITA AGGARWAL (Consulting Psychologist) :
Q. I am from Chhattisgarh pursuing B.Sc Computer Science. My problem is that my mother is in an extra-marital affair since 6 months. I have listened to her conversations with that man and she don't know this. She confidently chit chat with him all day long and gets irritated if we ask her to do some work. She blindly believes the man and do whatever he says. I also talked to him over the phone when my mother requested me. She told me that they are good friends and know each other since childhood. The man wanted to marry my mother some 20 years ago, but my mother's grandfather refused and they got separated. Now they got in touch through Facebook. I know the man and my mother really care for each other, but they have forgotten that they have a family to handle. The man says that his wife tortures him and is a narcissist, who is never happy in anything. And here my mother is blindly concerned for him. Moreover, my mother justifies and compares her with some known relatives who are actually narcissist. We cannot judge a person by listening to someone else, right? But my mother has completely lost. She hates all these love stories, but on the other hand she is talking romantically with another man. I have a separate room upstairs in my house, but my brother claims to study there. I am not allowed to go in that room because my brother don't like as I am a little careless person (which I am trying to change). But my parents do not support me and scold me to not enter his room and study downstairs. I have no problem in doing that and I study in the dining table which is just outside the kitchen, but my mother laughs loudly over the phone with that man and how am I supposed to focus on my studies after knowing that she is talking with another man? She shamelessly go outside in the porch and talks with him by blushing and smiling and I am seeing this and she is also seeing this. I am frustrated, because I don't know what to do. I have tried many times to discuss this issue with my mother, but I have no guts as there is a huge communication gap in my house. We don't even wish each other on birthdays or celebrate anything. I am a good singer and have won many awards in singing. People call me rockstar in my college, but I am not able to sing in front of my parents! I don't know why? I am overthinking. Please help me as to what step should I take to save my family and focus on my life. I want to join Indian Air Force and aspire to become a fighter pilot.
Ans. Thank you for writing your problem. The one very important missing link in the story of your mother is the role of your father? You have not mentioned anything about his reaction to your mother's phone calls and his dealing with the situation? If he is ignorant about it, perhaps, you may like to inform him? If he is aware of it and turns a blind eye, then you should also forget it and ignore it. In extra-marital affairs, the most affected person should be the innocent spouse and then the children. I can understand her behaviour hurts you and makes you angry. But if your father is keeping quiet then it should not be your primary business. It is good to have a functioning family rather than a broken one.Your mother might soon get over her obsession and infatuation and come back to her senses. She is not walking out of the marriage which is good for all of you. Look at the positive side of things and leave the rest. She is your mother and that is it. However, do express your feelings to her one day, and tell her you don't like what she is doing and that it upsets you. Prepare for your life ahead. Since you are going to graduate soon and you have many talents and skills, and have high goals of becoming a fighter pilot, you should focus on your great future. Rest your mind and emotions.
Note: Readers are requested to write short queries in approx 150 to 200 words. Furthermore, do not use abbreviations in career queries to avoid confusion. The columnist can be reached at [email protected]