■ By RITA AGGARWAL : (Consulting Psychologist)
Ravi, Jabalpur. Q. I was engaged to be married since a year. Now my fiancé is saying no to marriage. She does not like me and likes someone else. I don’t know if the friendship is new or old. She was talking very nicely to me earlier. Recently I see her change her style and language. She has made utter fool of me. I love her and want to bring her back. Her family has sent message to us to wait for some time. I am losing sleep and losing interest in my job and work. How can she do this to me? I was so devoted to her. I gave her so many gifts which is alright if I gave her. She need not return it. But my life seems ruined. I feel like ending my life. I don’t want to live. My friends will laugh at me. Please guide me.
Ans. This is certainly an embarrassing and unfortunate development, or turn-around in your marriage. After a year of being engaged she says no. From what you describe as her behaviour change in the recent past, it appears she has developed a new friendship. She was talking nicely to you and then changed her tone and style. For you it appears as a disaster right now, but in the long run it maybe a good thing for you.You may feel rejected today, but you might thank your stars tomorrow. I say this on the basis of the immature personality of your fiancé. What if she is in the habit of changing her mind frequently? What if she is in the habit of changing her choices of partners frequently? What if she ran away with another man after marriage? What if she started another friendship with a man after marriage? Now if you answer these questions, you will feel less bad and sad. She had to run away so she ran away. Don’t hold yourself responsible for her bad behaviour. You have nothing to do with her choices and actions. Don’t curse yourself, don’t pity yourself, don’t feel sad and depressed. Use your intelligence and wisdom to solve your problems and accept the reality. Don’t over-react and be angry or sad. Accept with humility your personal loss and trauma. Heal your mind with counselling sessions, prayers and meditation. You will be fine.
R.T Q. My son has passed Std 12 as all children have been passed by the Board. He has become very lazy in the last one year of lockdown. He is to appear for the entrance exams for JEE, but he is not studying, he is thinking some miracle will happen. He goes on procrastinating and wasting time with mobile and games. He does not have too many friends and does not chat with them. I tell him to find out from them about how they are preparing but he says he will do it well. He is over confident and if I tell him again it leads to a fight and argument. He is sure to fail in such a situation. His father does not interfere too much and if he does, he starts to shout at him and I get blamed for starting the whole drama. Should I leave him alone and let him do what he likes? What should I do? Please guide me.
Ans. This could be the situation with most parents of children appearing for entrance exams after 12th. The discipline has broken down, the schools are shut, there are no external controls by the schools and the children have become dull by remaining indoors. It is a matter of concern to the parents and children as well but the child may lack motivation to take charge of his life as he takes life easy. You and your husband could make an attempt at having a joint session with him. Treat him like an adult and don’t shout. Ask him his future plans for career making. Ask him what he plans to do if he does not pass the entrance exams. You as parents must tell him your limitations of financial resources and how much you can spend on getting him an admission. Everything can be discussed with him openly. Once he realises the reality of the situation he might start thinking seriously. If he doesn’t then it is time for counselling and a few sessions will get him back on track. Don’t worry, take correct action.
By RITA AGGARWAL : (Consulting Psychologist)
Note: Readers are requested to write short queries in approx 150 to 200 words. Furthermore, do not use abbreviations in career queries to avoid confusion. The columnist can be reached at [email protected]