By Aasawari Shenolikar :
Since the time Internet has made inroads
into my life,the one thing that I have learnt
is that if you Google something, Google
will instantly help youout with almost any
query under the Sun.On second thoughts,
let’s delete that ‘almost’ and stick to ‘every question, query, doubt’. Google, over a period of time,
has turned everyone into a genius.
Because Google helps me out at the drop of a
hat, it is but natural that I call Google my BFF.
Be
it work wise or on a personal level, Google is ever
ready to give its valuable inputs. However, for one
reason aloneIwill forever be indebted to this
friend - for it has helped me become what I had
always dreamt of but couldn’t achieve it for I was
unable to clear the exams - the dream of wearing
a white coat and have a ‘Dr.’ prefixed in front of
my name. Google has fulfilled this dream - to a
certain extent - and today, even though I do not
have Dr. before my name,Iam a self-proclaimed,
self-taught Doctor.
I am not the only beneficiary -thanks to the all knowing, omnipresent Dr. Google,Iand countless others have all earned honorary medical
degrees from the University of Hypochondria.
Have a headache? Google it. Strange blot on the
arm? Google it.
Woke up with a sore throat? Of
course, Google it. It all starts off as a mild curiosity, and inevitably spirals into a full-blown existential crisis. Strange white blot on the arm doesn’t just stop short of a ‘dry patch’ that needs a generous coat of a moisturising lotion; the Internet
takes you into a labyrinthine maze, posing questions and more questions - so that in the end, Dr
Google turns your simple query into a diagnosis
of ‘rare tropical disease no one’s heard of since
1842.’
Haven’t we all typed in ‘remedy for cold’ and
found responses that have many a time not only
cured us of the ailment, but also saved us money
that we would have shelled out if we had visited
a medico. I mean, why bother visiting an actual
doctor who spent a decade studying medicine
when you can type ‘stomach pain right side’ and
discover you’re hosting as mall alien colony in your
intestine? Right!! Not only does it tell you what
could be wrong, it flashes remedies too, within
seconds.I can visualises cores of my medico friends
- how they’d love to get their hands around my
neck right now.
But it’s notmyfault.Thefaultlieswiththesearch
engine. My self-diagnosis journeyhasoftenbegun
on an innocent note.
I noticed a weird twitch in
my eyelid. When we were young, a twitch in the
left eye indicated some thing good was on the anvil,
in the right eye implied something evil was coming your way. No longer is it so! A quick search
reveals it’s either ‘too much caffeine’ or the harbinger of something called myoclonic dystopia.
OMG! That sounds ominous, and so I delve more
deeply into it. The cursor moves to the symptoms
checklists. “Do you also have fatigue, dizziness, or
irritability?” Uh-oh, I had a headache two weeks
ago. That counts, right? By the time I close my
browser, Dr Google has managed to convince me
that I am moments away from starring in my own
tragic medical drama. Google knows I am hooked
to Grey’s Anatomy, and to curry favour, knows
which buttons to hit.
I don’t know whether it is to allay all my fears,
or to add to them, or just because Google knows
I have great science background, it, more often
than not,leads met oavery specialised site,WebMD,
the granddaddy of online symptom-checking.
WebMD doesn’t suggest I might be seriously ill-it
practicallyguarantees it.I typed,‘Stubbedmytoe.’
‘Clearly a sign of impending gangrene,’ popped
up. My eyes popped out of their sockets. ‘Sneezed
twice?’There sponse that I received could be translated into - ‘Don’t bother with tissues; start drafting your will’. However, to be fair to the site, every
search ends with the ominous advice: ‘Consult a
doctor immediately,’ which is, ironically, what I
was trying to avoid in the first place.
Armed with information and knowledge picked
up from various sites, we’ve all qualified to be
‘unqualified doctors.’ And we leave no stone
unturned t oshow-off the knowledgeg leaned from
Dr Google.
At every get-together, we come across that one
person who’s a self-procaimed expert on everyone else’sailments .“Oh,you have acidity? You know,
that’s how ulcers start. Google says you should eat
only boiled cabbage for the next month.” Many a
time,Itoo find myself showing off my half-baked
knowledge. DoIrue it ever? Nope.
But worse is when two ‘Google doctors’ meet.
In my case, Guddu and I, from our closest gang of
friends, are Google experts, turning every conversation into a battle of obscure diseases. With
most of us on the wrong side of late fifties and early sixties, discussing joint pains has become a regular feature during our meetings.
“I think your joint pain could be lupus,” I told
my husband, who was lamenting about his aches.
“Nah, it's probably ankylosing spondylitis. Did
you check Mayo Clinic?” quipped Guddu.
Meanwhile, the actual patient appeared dumbstruck, wondering why he broached the subject
at all.
However,Iand scores of Google doctors, do not
stop at self-diagnosis. What is the point if, after
seriously study ing about various ailments,
one is not able to self-cure. Well, Google
is everready tohelp- and will reveal a host
of herbal concoctions, bizarre exercises,
and dubious detox diets.
For instance, turmeric-once a humble
spice-is now hailed as the solutionto everything from acne to existential dread. Mix
it with honey, add a dash of lemon, stand
on one leg while chanting‘Om,’ and voila!
Cancer-free in 24 hours. Siddhu will confirm it!
Google readily throws at you the many
infamous‘internet hacks.’Got a sore throat?
Garglevinegar(burns your throat,buthey,
no pain, no gain). Toothache? Rub garlic
onit(you’ll stillneed a dentist, but atleast
vampires will stay away). By the end, you
might not be cured, but you definitely are
a walking salad dressing.
I have very closely seen the other side
of the coin too - for many of my closest
friends are medicos. And we’ve discussed
such scenarios many a time.“Beinganactual doctor in this age of self-diagnosis is very harrowing,” says Dr Sutapa Roy, an expert in her chosen field, who laments that “Patients arrive not
with symptoms but withfully formed conclusions.
‘Doctor,I’m here because Google says I have chronic Lyme disease.’”
“Then why come to me if you alreadyknow what
you are sufferingfrom,”she asked the patient. “The
pharmacist will not give me medicine without a
prescription,” he replied.
She tried explaining that it was just a seasonal
allergy, but he didn’t buy it.
Worse than this, Sutapa says, is “when patients
bringprintedPDFsoftheirGooglefindings.I want
to scream, ‘I didn’t spend years in medical school
to be second-guessed by a search engine!’” But
sense prevails, and she doesn’t yell. Instead, she
nods and explains, for the hundredth time that
day,why the patient does not have bubonic plague.
Every Doctor is helped by a dedicated team of
nurses, and Dr Google has found his team in the
social media. Have you ever tried posting any
query-a simple one,‘I am suffering from headache’
on the social media.
The over-enthusiastic experts
switch on the active mode immediately, and your
comment box is flooded with advice.
“Have you tried meditation?”
“Drink the juice of carrots every morning!”
“Couldbethestartofapandemic,checkGoogle!”
Social media is replete with many groups - for
instance the Facebook mom groups, in particular, are a goldmine of unsolicited medical expertise.Go ta fever?Forget paracetamol-apply the juice
of onions on your feet.Never mind if the bed,sheets,
the quilt, the room smells of onions, but apparently, it works!
Jokes apart-we need to be aware that depending on Dr Google can be unpredictable. Forif during your search for‘cold hands,’Google might suggest Raynaud’s disease or frostbite, but if you dig
a little deeper, Google will go completely go offtangent and suddenly you’ll find yourself reading
about how to survive an Arctic expedition.
Like all inventions and discoveries, Dr. Google
is also both a blessing and a curse.Without a shade
of doubt, it’s a handy tool for quick information,
but this is also the reason for turning many of us
into part-time hypochondriacs and full-time
annoyances. Maybe it’s time to leave medicine to
the professionals and use Google for what it was
truly meant for: finding funny dog videos.
Untilthen, let’s all agree to stop diagnosing ourselves.
Unless, of course, you’ve sneezed twice today.
In that case, better Google it-just to be safe.